Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Coming soon to Oprah's Book Club

Noted Internet autistic/OCD/generally weird guy Nick "Ulillillia" Smith, whose life consists mainly of eating cheese pizzas while sitting on the floor of his room, playing Sonic the Hedgehog and listening to the Baby Looney Tunes theme, has turned his life experience into a novel for the ages.

Well, maybe it's more like a screenplay. But either way, you can own The Legend of the 10 Elemental Masters in paperback for only $12.95.

Its opening passage is as riveting as they come:

May 27, 1999 at 4:07 UTC - 54 hours, 52 minutes remaining

Knuckles glides north 1500 feet above Lake Sakakawea at 800 mph following Highway 83. A small thunderstorm is somewhat visible to the south. The sky is 3/8 scattered with cirrus clouds and 1/8 scattered with altostratus clouds. The wind is 15 mph with gusts to 20 mph. A few small patches of snow in ditches, some with water, are visible but hard to see due to the speed. A 40-second pause in speech occurs while credits display on screen.

Knuckles resembles a human, but with differences. Knuckles is neither male nor female, though referred to as a "he". Three-quarter-inch-thick dark-violet-colored (FFA000E0) fur covers his entire body. He is only 25 1/3 inches tall, 4 inches wide, and 2.5 inches deep. Knuckles gets his name from his large hands, 40% bigger than a human his size would have. A reflective, glittery, greenish (FFA0FF00) haze half a millimeter across borders his pupil. Knuckles has no nose and a mouth 2/3 as big. Every other aspect of his is that of what a human would have for his size. For details on the numerical colors (in parenthesis), see appendix 5.

Will this be the first of a string of hits from Uli? Or will he retire from writing knowing that his first novel could never be topped, a la Harper Lee? Time will tell...

Friday, September 11, 2009


The trend of putting decals on the back of your vehicle that represent your family kinda snuck up on me. Granted, lots of trends sneak up on me - it's 2009 and I've never heard any music by Kanye West or Radiohead, and I'm not sure what "The Hills" is about - but this trend strikes me as a trend that's fraught with etiquette issues. For example:

1. When a family breaks up, which parent gets to display the child on the sticker?
2. When you have a blended family, should the children be shown next to the parent that sired them, or in a group with each other?
3. Can you keep the sticker on your car after Child Protective Services takes the child away?
4. Is it bad form to display decals for angel babies? Should said decals have wings and halos? Would it be the most obnoxious way to make money off of miscarriages? (Probably not.)
5. Is the next step decals of caricature portraits with giant heads and tiny bodies holding objects that represent one's personality?

Friday, September 4, 2009

Hey, my work is topical!

White House official Cass Sunstein promoted opt-out organ donation in his book "Nudge." (Click here to read about it if you're a Democrat, click here to read about it if you're a Republican.)

Is that constitutionally permissible? Find out by reading this thrill-a-minute article I wrote in law school about this very topic.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Fearless Prediction

By the end of the year 2010, at least one person will have filed suit against the manufacturers of the Tiddy Bear, claiming that the Tiddy Bear aggravated injuries the person suffered in an auto accident. Regardless of who wins the suit, the manufacturers will decide that the Tiddy Bear is too great a liability and will discontinue the product.

Radio morning show guys will seize upon the opportunity to talk about the Tiddy Bear, because it is funny to say "Tiddy," because "Tiddy" sounds like "Titty."