Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Chicken and Egg

Did Anderson Cooper learn his facial expressions from Vladimir Putin, or did Vladimir Putin learn his facial expressions from Anderson Cooper?

It is a mystery.

Sunday, September 28, 2008


If you've read my blog for any amount of time you probably know that my writing idols include James Lileks and Jayne Without Pity.* In slavish imitation of Jayne, I'm going to offer up a couple of budget recipes I've developed.

Bachelor Curry
Combine white rice and water in a bowl. Microwave for 5 minutes, then fluff and dump on a plate. Then microwave a bowl of canned chili (if you're in the Northwest, use Nalley's - it's cheap and tasty). Pour chili over rice and eat.

Peanut butter and jelly, on a croissant.

Sal's Special
Spread cream cheese on a slice of whole wheat bread. Add a slice of cheddar. Then add sliced ham and sliced turkey. Close the sandwich and put in your toaster oven, set on "light".

Victory Float
Two scoops of vanilla ice cream in a tall glass. Add the sparkling wine of your choice.

*Another writer I've come to admire recently is Keith Allison of Teleport City. He's a fantastic slice-of-life writer. For example, here's a clip from his review of Roller Blade:

...in 7th grade, I had decent luck with the ladies, so there were plenty of opportunities for me to put the movies on some young honey, maybe buy her an Orange Whip or some fries at the concession stand, maybe impress her by convincing the DJ to play us a song he was probably going to play anyway. And then you hear the first little bit of "Hold Me Now," ask the girl to skate, take her hand, and for the next three minutes or so yo roll through a swirling snowstorm of colored lights and raging hormones that can only be assuaged by letting go of her hand as the song ends and "Play Guitar" by John Cougar Mellencamp comes on and affords you a chance to fast skate off some of that pent up sexual energy -- especially if the DJ is edgy and doesn't blank out the "Forget all about that macho shit and learn how to play guitar" line.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

At least they put it in writing

We have recently received a report that a property management company somewhere in this state has decided to implement a new animal policy in its leases.

Specifically, if the tenant is not home and the manager receives a complaint about the animal making noise, the manager reserves the right to enter the apartment, remove the animal, and euthanize it.

I wonder how they're going to put that in the brochures? "Pets Welcome! (but are subject to summary confiscation and execution)"

Oh, and regarding my TV show (see previous entry)? I think that when we cut to scenes of the dogged Department of Education investigator who is on Donny's tail, we should have an establishing shot that looks something like this.

I'm in the wrong business

If lawyering doesn't work out for me, maybe I can get NBC to pick up my comedy series.

THE STORY: Donny is a man in his late 20s who grew up watching hour-long action shows like "The Incredible Hulk," "The A-Team," "Knight Rider," where wandering heroes lent their special talents to people in need. He's taken the scenic route to adulthood, and he's just completed his degree in political science. Armed with this degree, he finds himself unable to find a job. He decides to fall back on the stories of his youth and become a wandering loner, living on the road in his car, looking for people to help and injustices to fight. Of course, Donny doesn't actually have any special talents, nor do the people need his help, nor do many of the injustices actually exist, but that won't stop him from living his dream. Stay tuned for Donny's misadventures this fall!

Many good adventure shows have wise mentor figures who give our hero missions. In this case, it's a temp agency whose boss arranges for Donny to take menial jobs across the country.

Adventure shows also need a pursuer who will chase our hero, like the journalist in "Hulk" or the army in "A-Team." In my show, it's an agent from the Department of Education, determined to track Donny down and make him pay his student loans.

Any casting suggestions? Do you think it would work? I think I could get two or three seasons out of it, with a good writing staff and a good time slot.

(Yes, Donny is named after Don Quixote.)

Monday, September 22, 2008

Still here

Just posting less because I'm unemployed and hate everything.

Anyway, think of all the possible ways you could hurt yourself with a jump rope. Then read this article and see if you anticipated this result. I didn't.

Thursday, September 18, 2008


Those of you who have taken BarBRI courses probably remember Charles Whitebread, criminal law lecturer. Little bald guy with a growly voice, who started slow and tended to build up to his jokes.

Professor Whitebread just died. In his honor, I'll relay one of his "war stories."

Before he entered academia, Whitebread practiced criminal defense in D.C. One of his clients decided it would be a good idea to sort his marijuana into a number of small baggies for convenient use.

It was a nice day, with a pleasant breeze. He decided it would be a good idea to open his front and back doors to let some of the fresh air in.

His pleasant afternoon was disrupted when a man charged through his front door and started running through his house. It turns out the man was a felon fleeing from his crime.

Naturally, the police were hot on his trail and several officers ran into the unsuspecting client's house.

The felon ran out the client's back door and the police followed him, but not before noticing the large pile of marijuana on the client's table.

Eventually the felon eluded the grasp of D.C.'s finest. Determined to get something out of the chase, the police returned to the client's house and arrested him for possession of marijuana.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Live Eurocentric Dancers

Sleaze merchants frequently use the word "exotic" as a substitute for "erotic," in the hopes that it will somehow mask their intent to appeal to the prurient interest. But I think we've all caught on to their transparent deceptions by now. For the benefit of the First Amendment superstars who keep America fantasizing, I've helpfully provided a short list of other words that begin with "e" and end with "c" and could be pressed into service as euphemisms for "erotic."

• encephalic
• emetic
• eccentric
• esoteric
• eclectic
• elliptic
• entropic
• epic
• ebonic
• Eric

Friday, September 12, 2008

On lunch

First thing's first - I passed the bar.

Second thing's second - Today I went to lunch at Donnie Mac's Trailer Park Cuisine. I was expecting a little bit of irony, but I don't think the place fully captured the ambiance of a manufactured housing community. Now, I'm sure part of that is for sanitary reasons. Few restaurants would permit the presence of the bull mastiffs that some park resident is always deciding to breed and who are "really gentle," just ask them.

On the other hand, some of the authenticity could be easily improved upon. For instance, the beer list featured a bunch of restaurant standards, plus PBR. PBR is probably on this list because hipsters saw it in Blue Velvet and decided that it is the one and only true white trash beer, but c'mon, really. Where's the Milwaukee's Best? Where's the Keystone? Where's the Schlitz?

Put another way, at a trailer park restaurant, Chardonnay should not be on the menu. Chardonnay should be the girl who brings you the menu.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

A contest!

Open to all readers of this blog who are not current or past attendees of law school.

Lawyers use lots of big words and stock phrases. To save time, we also use a lot of abbreviations. I'm going to give you a list of ten abbreviations and acronyms that lawyers use. For each meaning you correctly guess, you get a point. For each meaning you guess that is incorrect but is significantly more entertaining than the actual meaning, you get half a point. Don't cheat. I can tell when you lie. Answers will be announced once I think I've got enough entries. Remember, if you don't enter, you can't win, nor can you lose with style.

1. DV
2. PC
4. SMJ
5. π
7. FF&C
8. PUD
9. RA
10. TRO

Monday, September 1, 2008

The product of a bad night's sleep

At about one o'clock yesterday morning I decided I was a country-western songwriter.

I initially decided to write a country-western song consisting entirely of words you could use to construct your own, better country-western song ("Texas whiskey bible / Cheatin' Chevy train") but I changed my mind and wrote this instead. I'm not sure it's really an improvement, but I feel obligated to share it with you.

Now General Lee surrendered
Back in '65
But I won't quit a-fightin'
Not while I'm alive

Momma, she done told me
"Son, you set this country free
And carry the torch of freedom
From sea to shinin' sea"

Wore my blue coat on my back as I
Walked into Atlanta town
So look out, Peachtree Center
I'm a-gonna' burn ya down

Fix bayonets in Jackson
For a march to New Orleans
Lord, the blood of dyin' rebels
Gonna wash all o' Dixie clean

John Brown's voice is callin'
It's a-callin' from the grave
"Bring down the retribution
For the sin of ownin' slaves"

And though the world is changin'
And eight score years have passed
Their crimes can't be forgiven
'Till the South done breathed its last

From Richmond to El Paso
And "neutral" Kentucky too
What Romans did to Carthage
I'm gonna do to you

Note: I don't hate Southerners, some of my best friends are Southerners.