Saturday, July 28, 2007

Proposed names for roller derby participants

Ann T. Social
Killian Anderson
"Baton" Beth March
Helen Skates
Bea Aggressive
Suzie Homebreaker
Carrie Concealed
Tara Newone
Felony Griffith
Anya Knees
Kate Astophe
Drew Burymore
Ruth Invader Ginsburg

I want to give credit to whoever came up with "Laura Mangles Wilder" and "Arielle Speedwagon."

UPDATE! About an hour after I wrote this post, I found a master list of roller derby names. Several of my suggestions have already been taken. Rats.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

It's pick on Scandinavia week here at the blog

How many of you have, at one point or another, owned a Lego police station?

(waits for show of hands)

Well, I sure did. My brother and I had the Pier Police. Plenty of Lego police around, even more if you count the soldiers who seemed to be responsible for locking up pirates.

But have you ever seen a Lego courthouse? No. No, you haven't. Because there isn't one. And you know what that means? That means that Legoland is a police state, where those accused of a crime can be imprisoned in tiny cells for life without a warrant, a trial, or a lawyer.

It's time to speak out against these minifigure rights abuses. I say we start contributing money to fund the freedom-fighters of the Blacktron movement, to rid the world of the oppressive Lego tyrants.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Velkommen Norsk leserne

Every once in a while I read an article about how the Bush Administration has declared "war on science." It's articles like those which have inspired me to declare war on war metaphors. War on poverty, war on drugs, war on crime, war on terrorism, culture wars, war on science - can't we just fight a skirmish every once in a while? (I would also like to break with Freud at this time.)

Assuming arguendo that the President has declared war on science, we will be part of a multi-national coalition: Norway's Princess Märtha Louise is opening a psychic training school.

I don't read Norwegian (either kind) but the words "Holistisk Akademi" don't look promising.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Been a while since I posted a video

Enjoy it before Disney makes them take it down.

Fire up the printing press

Q. What's the most money anyone has ever asked for in a lawsuit?

A. In 1998, Calvin Wedington, an inmate at a federal prison in North Carolina, was unhappy with his medical care. "The incident occurred Early 95 May stemming from a benedril capsule that had been altered from red to green and white. Administered by the evening nurse ordered by duty doctor. I was the 2nd case of a bad benedril at this institution. The mid-night nurse saw me on the floor dry heaving and had me drink 4 cartons of milk to make me vomit. Why did U.S. Marshals hold claim making it time barred preventing criminal charges stature [sic] of limitation to expire. Those involved have left BOP."

Granted, I wouldn't want to take a bad Benadryl and throw up. But Wedington's monetary claim was slightly overstated. "Wedington seeks monetary damages by way of “one check blank to put one sum in excess of a million from attached sheet.” The attached sheet referred to by Wedington appears to reference a figure of ten to the twenty-seventh power, or an octillion dollars."

So if Wedington had won his case, the government would have had two options: print off an octillion dollars and deliver it to Wedington in a wheelbarrow, thus causing Weimar-like levels of inflation, or confiscate the entire gross domestic product for the next million years or so and hand it over to Wedington.

Wedington v. Unknown Named Agents, No. CIV. A. 3:97CV740, 1998 WL 320122 (Jan. 29, 1998)

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

But Hulk Hogan's is really a sports entertainment mustache

I expect that all of my readers will do their civic duty and vote for the best sports mustache of all time.

Notable contenders include Adam Morrison, Goose Gossage, and Richard Petty. I cast my vote for the authoritative whiskers of Clyde Frazier.

Monday, July 16, 2007

You know the drill

Photos of the Kenai Peninsula, Alaska's prime vacation area, now available at my Flickr page.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

A post inspired by listening to Manowar

I wonder if really old Vikings who knew they were dying would go around picking fights with young, hearty warriors, just to ensure that they would die in combat and be carried to Valhalla.

Friday, July 13, 2007

The stories just write themselves

Well, it's Friday the 13th, and that's good news if you're a journalist with a deadline to meet. You can just write a story about locals talking about Friday the 13th. It's almost as easy a story as writing about what words L'Academie Francaise have decided to admit to the language this year. (Good news, Francophones, you can now say "bazooka" without betraying your linguistic heritage.)

As long as I'm complaining about this article, I'll take on the lead-in.

Uh-oh! It's Friday the 13th, and bad luck is creeping your way.

Or is it?

Cub reporters should not follow this model, lest we see articles that look like this:

The Anchorage Police Department is seeking two suspects in connection with the robbery of a liquor store on DeBarr Road on Friday night.

Or are they?

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

A story a grandkid will hear someday

You know, your grandpappy used to play some college football, I did. I was a Kansas Jayhawk. Did I ever tell you kids about the time we beat Oklahoma?

Yep, it was back in '05. Biggest game of my life. We were at old Arrowhead Stadium in Kansas City. Oh, it was packed. It was a hell of a game.

Fourth quarter, we were down 19-3. It looked like we would have time for one more drive. We marched down the field, and you know what?

We were stopped. Time ran out.

Two years later...

Monday, July 9, 2007

Have you tried Bayer Aspirin?

I'm defending a few personal injury cases for the city, and as a result, I've learned a little something about pain. Here's a short list of things that can cause back pain.

Being in a car accident.
Lifting things.
Swinging a golf club or a baseball bat.
Going to a clumsy chiropractor who gives you a push and knocks a disc out of place.
Being overweight.
Sitting down.
Sleeping on an old mattress.
Getting old.
Walking around.
Mellow-thighed chicks putting your spine out of place.
Reading about back pain.


Friday, July 6, 2007

When worlds collide

On the Milwaukee Brewers' most recent road trip to Pittsburgh, they ended up sharing the hotel with a furry convention.

UPDATE: Here's audio of Bob Uecker discussing the fur convention. His broadcast partner is pretty bland, but frankly, you could pair Bob Uecker with a cotton candy machine and get an entertaining broadcast.

More fargin' pictures

Basically, I'm just cleaning out the memory card so I'll have room for photos of next weekend's camping trip to the Kenai Peninsula. As always, pictures here.

And I might be getting a temporary car, which will greatly improve my range.

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Although it's really all covered by St. Jude

You never know when the Catholic Church is going to start making some changes (although it doesn't seem like many will be made under the current Pope). As penance for falling away from the faith, I've decided to offer up a few suggestions for patron saints of activities of which the Church doesn't currently approve, just in case.

-St. John the Almsgiver was inspired to live a holier life after the death of his children. Maybe this would qualify him to serve as the patron saint of contraception.
-Sts. Maximus and Olympias were martyred together, sang to their captors, and were beaten with rods. I don't have any evidence of this, but I'm going to proclaim them patron saints of homosexuality as a result.
-St. John Bosco avoided an attempt to get him committed to an asylum by tricking his would-be captors into the carriage meant for him. This is why he should be the patron saint of deceit.
-When St. Speciosus died, his brother experienced a vision of Speciosus' soul ascending to Heaven. Behold, your patron saint of perfoming really pointless miracles that help no one.
-St. Vincent of Lerins frequently disagreed with St. Augustine, the father of much of the Church's doctrine, and was sympathetic to members of the Semipelasgian heresy. For this he should be named the patron saint of Protestants.