Thursday, August 28, 2008

Let's all laugh at the crazy person!

Occasionally I find it comforting to note that there are other men whose relationships with women are more dysfunctional than mine. Not just guys like Andy, but I mean totally, completely bonkers.

In the past, I've relied on Christian "Sonichu" Chandler and his quest for a "BOYFRIEND-FREE GIRL" for entertainment, but
this gentleman might be even loonier.

His personal ad starts with something out of Mission: Impossible.
If you IM me having not done as instructed in this profile, you will receive the first of three standard messages identified as [Msg 1 of 3]. If you IM me a second time without having done as instructed, you will receive the second of three standard messages identified as [Msg 2 of 3]. If you IM me a third time without having done as instructed, will receive the final message identified as [Msg 3 of 3] and you will be iggied. Because, as a software engineer, I have automated this whole process, I generally do not read messages you send until you have done as instructed in this profile. So, you can receive Msg 1 of 3, Msg 2 of 3 and Msg 3 of 3 and be iggied without me ever having read a message from you.

Then he goes on to explain what he might say to you to charm you off your feet.
Hello, I'm busy, but give me your specs (age, height, weight, bra size)?

Worried you'll end up as a secondary wife? Well, let him assuage your worries away.
But in America it is illegal to have more than one wife. Well, I can easily prevail in a debate regarding that matter, but that is not my task here. Just suffice it to say, you cannot legally marry more than one wife where the state is the authority giving you permission to marry. I will not be asking the state's permission, for I am not under the authority of any man made government.

And then there's this sure-fire way to win a woman's heart.
Where the slave and wife are most similar is when they are given a command. In this instance, they are both to obey with all their heart, mind, body and soul with an enthusiastically positive attitude. They are to both obey because they love the one giving the command.

So if you're single, obedient, walk fast, eat meat, hate careers, are under 29, have small breasts, and enjoy the occasional bizarre, Ulillillia-type use of the passive voice, why not drop him a line?

Friday, August 22, 2008


What is the most dangerous thing, according to the Internet?

• "There's nothing more dangerous than organised hippies"
• "There's nothing more dangerous than a minister who's being 'bold'"
• "There's nothing more dangerous than a firstgrader"
• "There's nothing more dangerous than a pregnant woman"
• "There's nothing more dangerous than a retarded bear"
• "There's nothing more dangerous than an unsharp knife"
• "There's nothing more dangerous than a bunch of logical sentences"
• "There's nothing more dangerous than a heroic stereotype"
• "There's nothing more dangerous than teaching someone a couple of impractical techniques and then telling them that they're invincible and should go and pick a fight on the next street corner"
• "There's nothing more dangerous than singing a love song to an old girlfriend when the new girlfriend is around"
• "There's nothing more dangerous than a shallow-thinking compassionate person"
• "There's nothing more dangerous than a couple whose children are finally off the family dole"
• "There's nothing more dangerous than walking on slippery or wet rocks"

Wednesday, August 20, 2008


Someone on Something Awful once referred to Wikipedia as "the MMORPG where you pretend to be an encyclopedia editor." And while it is a valuable resource, the people who bring it to you are totally pathetic.

Case in point: the article for Miss Viola Swamp has page citations, in MLA style.

Furthermore, I would like to draw your attention to the page with photos of contributors. Now, I admit, I am so ugly that when I was born, the doctor slapped my mama. But when some of these people were born, the doctors ran screaming to the nearest religious orders, where they spent the rest of their lives in self-flagellation to atone for the unthinkable sin of letting loose such creatures upon the earth.

Monday, August 18, 2008

How dare I look down on the less fortunate

From the Code of Federal Regulations concerning the Shelter Plus Care Program, 24 C.F.R. § 582.300(a):

Each recipient must provide for the consultation and participation of not less than one homeless individual or formerly homeless individual on the board of directors or other equivalent policy-making entity of the recipient, to the extent that the entity considers and makes policies and decisions regarding any housing assisted under this part or services for the participants. This requirement is waived if the applicant is unable to meet the requirement and presents a plan, which HUD approves, to otherwise consult with homeless or formerly homeless individuals in considering and making such policies and decisions.

Oh, of course. I bet the housing authority just wanders down into the Tenderloin, finds a guy in a Thunderbird-induced stupor, pokes him with a stick until he wets his filthy jeans and wakes up, coughing and hacking, and then asks him "Hey, how would you like to be on our committee?"

Friday, August 15, 2008

Hanging on in quiet desperation is the Salieri way

I am still unemployed, thanks for asking. I'm volunteering at Legal Aid to avoid going crazy (all together: "Too Late!") and at least I'm getting a couple of stories out of the deal, like exactly how to make your pet an emotional support animal (thus forcing your landlord to let you keep it) and the guy who told his wife that if she reported him for beating her, he'd write to Congress and get them to cut off all spending for DV support programs (even a battered wife could tell that threat was empty).

But I do have a bit of good news - if all goes well, I may be a roller derby ref in a couple of weeks. And here's where you come in.

(If you're reading this on Facebook and can't see the poll, hit the link to the blog and vote, already.)

Sunday, August 10, 2008

All I've got is a photograph / It's not enough

Photos of Boise here. Highlights include animals, tacky graves, and lots and lots of Freemasons.

Friday, August 8, 2008

My only Olympic-related post

I think that if women can lust openly over swim teams, then it's only fair if I hold a competition for the best-looking player in the Olympic soccer tournament. (This should be a great post for those of you who like your women sporty.)

Here are some of my nominees.

Johanna Almgren, Sweden

Johanna's profile says she also enjoys handball. Punch line omitted for decency.

Rhian Wilkinson, Canada

She gains half a point in my book for having a fairly detailed blog, but loses it again for using Papyrus.

Merissa Smith, New Zealand

Really, you shouldn't take any soccer tournament too seriously if New Zealand gets to participate.

Heather Mitts, USA

It's tough to pick a standout for the US team because Lindsay Tarpley and Amy Rodriguez also fill me with patriotic fervor.

Andreia, Brazil

Had to get a goalkeeper in here to represent.

I'd tell you about Northern Ireland's cutie captain Aine McGovern if her side had qualified for the Olympics.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Piracy is bad, m'kay

Some contemptable scoundrels have uploaded all of two very entertaining movies, Shaolin Soccer and Cannibal! The Musical onto Google Video.

I would never condone such an action and that's why I'm not linking to them. Shame on you if you use the search feature to find them.


Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Latest anti-dentite news

What makes a man become a dentist? Lust for gold? Power? Or is he just born with a heart full of dentistry?

Whatever it is, dentists seem to have a mad compulsion to evade their taxes, like Dr. Wesley Bowden of Dallas.

In pre-trial motions, Dr. Bowden referred to prosecutors and IRS agents as “inland pirates” which “kidnapped” him during his arrest in April on the criminal charges. “I have been forced into a foreign court by deceptive trade practices, threat, duress and coercion,” he wrote. He also says he is not a tax protester, but someone who wants tax law applied legally, and refers to Texas as an “independent nation of free Christian white men like me.”

Sounds just like a guy I would trust to wield sharp objects near my face.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

An exercise in line-drawing

For the curious: I have settled into my apartment in Boise and will be unpacking over the next couple of days… well, probably weeks. If you're in Boise and you want to see me, let me know.

Now then, you lawyers in the crowd may remember the difference between malum in se and malum prohibitum in criminal law. The former are crimes that are inherently evil, such as murder and arson and what-have-you, and the latter are crimes that are just against the law and not necessarily evil, like public urination or impersonating a 4-H officer.

I wonder if the same distinction can be drawn in sports, with the former being "dirty" and the latter being "just smart play." Has a basketball player who flopped to draw a charging foul committed a "evil" act, or was he just bending the rules a little? Is a hockey player who likes to score with his skates in the crease a "dirty" player? I think that the line between "dirty" and "smart" can be drawn largely along the lines of whether the actions are likely to cause major injuries, although there are a few exceptions: for instance, a soccer player who falls over in the penalty box is a dirty player because his actions are so likely to change the outcome of the game.

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Sun rises in east, Pope Catholic, "Handmaid's Tale" inaccurate prediction of future

I was going to write a long post here about how the proposed HHS regulation regarding the definition of abortion is very limited in scope and wouldn't really affect anyone's ability to get birth control or IUDs, but why bother? Nothing I write here is going to convince anyone that the reason lots of people are crying "Wolf!" here is because they aren't trained to tell the difference between a wolf and a Saint Bernard, and nothing you write in reply is going to convince me that what I think is a Saint Bernard is actually a wolf.