Monday, August 24, 2009

Plots for Potential Sequels to William Carlos Williams' Poem "The Red Wheelbarrow"

• A man arrives. He was planning to haul dirt in the red wheelbarrow and now he is frustrated that the wheelbarrow is wet.
• The rain continues until the rainwater becomes a breeding ground for mosquitos.
• The white chickens are startled when a dog runs by.
• The rain causes a flash flood. Both the red wheelbarrow and the white chickens are swept away.
• A Code Enforcement official cites the owner of the property for raising white chickens in a zone where animal husbandry is not permitted.
• Because the white chickens have two legs, Snowball declares that they are collaborators with the old regime, and they are executed. The red wheelbarrow is used to carry their bodies away.
• A tenth-grader raises her hand and says, "I don't get it."

Thursday, August 13, 2009

A message from the Nampa Meridian Irrigation District

Listen up, everybody. Here's a puzzle to solve.

First, the facts.

Every year, young children, teenagers, and adults drown in Idaho irrigation canals.

Now, the question.

If you know that canals kill people, why would you ever go near a canal, or let someone you love get even close to a canal?

Take a few seconds to think about it. Your answer could mean the difference between life and death.

(tick-tock tick-tock)

Okay, here's the answer.

People drown in irrigation canals because they don't realize that irrigation canals are merciless, cold-hearted, murdering death traps that were erected partially to provide water, and partially to provide defense against invading Californians.

They don't realize how cold, swift, and deep the water is. The water may look like it's not flowing fast, but that's because it's actually flowing so fast that the human eye can't keep up with it.

They don't know that the chances of getting out of a canal are about... zero. The canals are filled with the angry ghosts of people who have previously died in them, and the spirits will drag you to the bottom. And when you die in a canal, you can't ever go to heaven. You become a canal ghost too.

Above: A picture of a canal ghost.

In fact, if you are in a canal, the rescuers won't even bother to try to save you. They'll just point at you and laugh while you are overcome by the hideous deluge.

They think it's OK for kids to go near canals as long as an adult is present. These people deserve it when their children die.

They ignore the cardinal rule of canal safety: If you see a canal, you should run screaming in the opposite direction.

But don't run so far that you fall into another canal.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Did Betsy Ross have this information?

If you have to get your clothes custom-made by the Department of Defense, you might want to know that there are six types of male posture: normal, erect, forward or stooped, half-stout, stout, and corpulent.

If you are a woman with a big bottom, the military will describe you as having a "prominent seat."

Monday, August 10, 2009

Step 1, admit there is a problem


I can't believe I'm watching pro wrestling again.

I first kicked the habit in about 2002 - or rather, the habit kicked me, because I got sick and tired of the lack of entertaining wrestlers and of Boring Invincible Triple H.

Three things have brought me back into the fold.

1. John Morrison. Not only does Morrison have an extremely entertaining gimmick with extremely entertaining interviews, but he also does stuff like this.

2. Grey Dog Software's wrestling management games. Total Extreme Wrestling 2005 was recently released as freeware, and I will generally play any sort of management game - hell, Championship Manager is what got me watching soccer. I highly recommend getting the 1983 scenario for TEW05. Who hasn't dreamed of being head writer for the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling?

3. CHIKARA. Thanks to the Internet, I can watch footage of CHIKARA, a Philadelphia-based promotion that lives up to my personal creed, namely, wrestling should be fun. How fun is CHIKARA? Well, let's see.

• CHIKARA is home to the Osirian Portal, an Ancient Egyptian tag team with fantastic talent. Watch the signature moves of Amasis, the Funky Pharoah, and Ophidian, the Venomous and Vile Serpent from the Nile. (The Duat Driver is the best finisher since the Hangman DDT that I used as my finisher back in WWF No Mercy for N64.)

• "Wait," you may be asking. "Was Amasis just wrestling a guy with a Nintendo controller on his tights?" Yes, that's Player Uno of the Super Smash Brothers. He's been known to use Koopa shells and fatalities. Watch Delirious get under his skin here.

• And what about Los Ice Creams, the wrestling ice-cream cones? Problems arise when they face the lactose-intolerant Colin Olsen.

• Then check out Darkness Crabtree, wrestling octogenarian, in a series of matches against time-traveling knight Lance Steel. (Note: Lance Steel would later form a tag team with… Lance Steel, another time-traveling version of himself.)

• But what is a knight without a dragon to fight?

• If you're a fan of extreme-style wrestling, you'll enjoy the occasional grenade-throwing at CHIKARA matches.

• If you prefer serious technicians, you might enjoy Claudio Castagnoli.

I've only scratched the CHIKARA surface, but beneath it you'll find evil space mantises, patriotic gorillas, sea monsters, impromptu kicking lessons, and spontaneous dance-offs. All the things wrestling should be.

Friday, August 7, 2009

...and a Divorce Tip

Before you get divorced, make sure you are married.

Marriage Tip from the Divorce Lawyer

Hot tip for those of you who are thinking of getting married:

Make sure that you are not currently married to someone else.

In my four months as a divorce lawyer, I have handled two marriages that were annulled due to bigamy and one case where the client took a deal that wasn't necessarily in her best interest in order to finish her divorce before her wedding date.

I know it's no fun to be single, especially if you're a needy person like so many of us are, but you might think about just not dating anyone between the time you separate and the date you get divorced. The opposite sex will still be there when you get your decree.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

The only place in the world where I'm a Humane Internationalist is putting together a survey of what will destroy America. I encourage you to participate.

The above-mentioned Humane Internationalist rating is probably because I think that America will be destroyed largely by Americans and the rest of the world will outlive America (if not necessarily in good shape).