Monday, August 10, 2009

Step 1, admit there is a problem


I can't believe I'm watching pro wrestling again.

I first kicked the habit in about 2002 - or rather, the habit kicked me, because I got sick and tired of the lack of entertaining wrestlers and of Boring Invincible Triple H.

Three things have brought me back into the fold.

1. John Morrison. Not only does Morrison have an extremely entertaining gimmick with extremely entertaining interviews, but he also does stuff like this.

2. Grey Dog Software's wrestling management games. Total Extreme Wrestling 2005 was recently released as freeware, and I will generally play any sort of management game - hell, Championship Manager is what got me watching soccer. I highly recommend getting the 1983 scenario for TEW05. Who hasn't dreamed of being head writer for the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling?

3. CHIKARA. Thanks to the Internet, I can watch footage of CHIKARA, a Philadelphia-based promotion that lives up to my personal creed, namely, wrestling should be fun. How fun is CHIKARA? Well, let's see.

• CHIKARA is home to the Osirian Portal, an Ancient Egyptian tag team with fantastic talent. Watch the signature moves of Amasis, the Funky Pharoah, and Ophidian, the Venomous and Vile Serpent from the Nile. (The Duat Driver is the best finisher since the Hangman DDT that I used as my finisher back in WWF No Mercy for N64.)

• "Wait," you may be asking. "Was Amasis just wrestling a guy with a Nintendo controller on his tights?" Yes, that's Player Uno of the Super Smash Brothers. He's been known to use Koopa shells and fatalities. Watch Delirious get under his skin here.

• And what about Los Ice Creams, the wrestling ice-cream cones? Problems arise when they face the lactose-intolerant Colin Olsen.

• Then check out Darkness Crabtree, wrestling octogenarian, in a series of matches against time-traveling knight Lance Steel. (Note: Lance Steel would later form a tag team with… Lance Steel, another time-traveling version of himself.)

• But what is a knight without a dragon to fight?

• If you're a fan of extreme-style wrestling, you'll enjoy the occasional grenade-throwing at CHIKARA matches.

• If you prefer serious technicians, you might enjoy Claudio Castagnoli.

I've only scratched the CHIKARA surface, but beneath it you'll find evil space mantises, patriotic gorillas, sea monsters, impromptu kicking lessons, and spontaneous dance-offs. All the things wrestling should be.

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