Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Although it's really all covered by St. Jude

You never know when the Catholic Church is going to start making some changes (although it doesn't seem like many will be made under the current Pope). As penance for falling away from the faith, I've decided to offer up a few suggestions for patron saints of activities of which the Church doesn't currently approve, just in case.

-St. John the Almsgiver was inspired to live a holier life after the death of his children. Maybe this would qualify him to serve as the patron saint of contraception.
-Sts. Maximus and Olympias were martyred together, sang to their captors, and were beaten with rods. I don't have any evidence of this, but I'm going to proclaim them patron saints of homosexuality as a result.
-St. John Bosco avoided an attempt to get him committed to an asylum by tricking his would-be captors into the carriage meant for him. This is why he should be the patron saint of deceit.
-When St. Speciosus died, his brother experienced a vision of Speciosus' soul ascending to Heaven. Behold, your patron saint of perfoming really pointless miracles that help no one.
-St. Vincent of Lerins frequently disagreed with St. Augustine, the father of much of the Church's doctrine, and was sympathetic to members of the Semipelasgian heresy. For this he should be named the patron saint of Protestants.

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