And what are protists for?

I've found that a lot of animals in nature are pretty much useless. Like, say, ladybugs. What do they do? They eat aphids. And what do aphids do? They eat plants. Why do we need aphids around to eat plants, and why do we need ladybugs around if all they do is eat aphids? If I were in charge of nature there would probably be some downsizing involved.

Now there are some animals that are talented enough to stick around. Like the seal, which protect us against plagues of penguins (useful themselves for providing scenery in the otherwise boring Antarctica), and which can talk in a voice that sounds like my impression of a 19th century politician.

Even more bitchin' than the seal is the lyre bird. Here's one that can do car alarms and camera shutters. I'd like to have one that sounds like a cell phone. It would be great for causing mass confusion.