Common Cold FAQ

What is the common cold?
The common cold is one of any number of microscopic thingamajigs that get into your immune system and makes it all unhappy, causing you to become unhappy in turn.

What does the common cold feel like?
I've been told that it's kind of like having a menstrual period in your face. (Actually, it was phrased the other way around.) Your head will hurt, your throat will be scratchy, and your nose will be full of snot.

How come it seems like only one nostril works for a while, then they both get stuffed up for a minute or two, then they switch?
Scientists are studying this phenomenon. As of yet, there are no answers.

I got a cold. Should I stay home from school?
This is permissible if you are in grade school and promise to lie on the couch and drink 7up while watching "The Price Is Right." Otherwise, sack up and go to school. You'll spread germs, but it's the fault of the other students if their immune systems can't handle it.

How can I treat a cold?
Drink plenty of fluids. Note that these should be fluids that you would ordinarily consume - for instance, don't drink brake fluid or sulfuric acid (although the latter would really clear out the sinuses). The aforementioned 7up is a traditional choice. Nudelsuppe may also work. You can also try NyQuil, which will leave you feeling slightly better, but drowsy, for a few hours. It's available in a few different flavors, all of which taste like rancid licorice. If you can find orange-flavored Children's Triaminic somewhere, it might be worth a try: it's not real powerful but it's tasty. I used to use it as an ice cream topping.

How can I cure a cold?
There are a number of cold cures available at your local supermarket. You'll find them next to the herbal joint capsules and theraputic magnets in the "Placebo" aisle. Stick it out, dude. It's just a few days. It won't kill you unless you're already practically dead.