I have always been fascinated by robots. They are clean and efficient.

Mystery Science Theater 3000 is returning.

Well, sort of.



It's actually just Tom, Crow, and Gypsy. No Joel or Mike. And no bad movies. And they'll be animated, not puppets. And they'll be voiced by new people. And only two of the original writers - Jim Mallon and Paul Chaplin - will be returning.

So it really resembles the original about as much as "Jim Henson's Muppet Babies" resembles "The Muppet Show." Which is ironic, because the Joel years of MST3K were full of jokes at the expense of the Muppet Babies for being a soulless cash-in on a successful franchise.

Why don't we enjoy some entertaining robot-related material instead? Here's "Look Around You" creator Peter Serafinowicz as Michael-6.



And here's a visit to a robot maker in rural China.

I'm finally sick of reality TV

Ah, reality television. You've taken so many relatively ordinary people, thrown them into ridiculous situations, and used editing tricks to turn them into heroes and villains for my amusement. But I come here not to praise reality TV, but to bury it.

Take, for instance, The Pick-Up Artist. Men who have a general strategy for getting women to sleep with them make me uneasy. When that strategy involves subtly tearing down womens' self-esteem and simultaneously self-aggrandizing, I get sick to my stomach. This is a sleazy show for sleazy people and I don't know how you can watch it without needing a shower afterwards.

And then there's Phenomenon. Is this supposed to be a talent show for magicians, or a search for people with supernatural powers? If the latter, what is magician Criss Angel doing here? And if the former, what is Uri Gellar doing here? In fact, what the hell is Uri Gellar doing on television in the first place? It's been over thirty years since James Randi and Johnny Carson proved he was a fraud with one lousy illusion. If you think that Gellar, or anyone else for that matter, has magical abilities far beyond those of ordinary men, you deserve to be punched in the face.

Can it get worse? Yes, yes it can. Rumor has it that we may be subjected to a "Baby Mind Reader." Not a baby who reads minds, mind you, but a Scottish bastard who suckers the gullible into believing he can use telepathy to contact infants. If you need further evidence that this is a bad idea, why not watch him ever-so-sensitively discuss the topic of domestic violence?

With the prospect of a writers' strike looming on the horizon, we may see even more hideous reality television coming our way. Brace yourselves.

The Court adopts the "balls don't touch" rule

Some of my readers will be taking the MPRE this weekend, so it may be important for them to take a look at In the Matter of Inglimo, recently handed down by the Wisconsin Supreme Court.

Counts 1 and 2 relate to Attorney Inglimo's representation of L.K in a criminal case between April 2000 and January 2001. During this representation in October 2000, Attorney Inglimo had sexual relations with L.K.'s girlfriend in L.K.'s presence and with L.K. also engaging in sexual relations with his girlfriend during the sexual encounter. The referee further found, however, that there was no evidence that during the encounter there was any intimate physical contact between Attorney Inglimo and L.K.

...Without commenting on the applicability of other Rules of Professional Conduct, we agree with the referee's conclusion that the evidence in the present case did not show that Attorney Inglimo had engaged in "sexual relations" with client L.K in violation of SCR 20:1.8(k)(2). There was no testimony as to precisely what occurred during Attorney Inglimo's encounter with L.K. and his girlfriend. There was no testimony that Attorney Inglimo ever intentionally touched L.K.'s intimate parts or caused L.K. to touch his intimate parts. Moreover, there was no testimony that Attorney Inglimo engaged in any form of sexual intercourse with L.K. Thus, because it does not appear that the definitional elements of "sexual relations" have been satisfied, the simple term "with" in the prohibitional phrase in SCR 20:1.8(k)(2) cannot transform this situation into a violation of the rule.

Hail, hail to [YOUR COLLEGE HERE]

Are you looking to start a new college football rivalry? Do you need a traveling trophy to symbolize that rivalry? Let the Traveling Trophy Generator make one for you.

You and your rival will be playing for:

The Old
The Sweet
The Governor's
Paul Bunyan's
The Little

Brown
Golden
Oaken
Victory
War
Silver
Brass
Silver
Indian

Trophy
Cup
Cannon
Jug
Keg
Bell
Axe
Boot
Shillelagh
Bucket

Attention dentists: pay your taxes

You've probably heard that New Hampshire dentist Elaine Brown and her husband Ed, who holed themselves up in their house rather than pay their delinquent taxes, were finally brought to justice a couple of weeks ago. Their web site remains, in which they claim to be political prisoners ("First they came for the tax-evading yahoos, and I said nothing, for I was not a tax-evading yahoo...") and demand to be shown the law which renders them liable for federal taxes (26 USC secs. 1 and 63).

A Louisiana dentist, Dr. Louis Genard, was also recently convicted of tax evasion. His excuse: he's not an American citizen, he's an ambassador of the Kingdom of Heaven. (I wonder if he can be deported?)

Of course, I shouldn't be casting stones from inside the glass house of law school, as an Indiana law student is facing charges for machine-gunning his Real Estate Finance textbook.

Only ten BYU grads in this year's class

The new law student guidebook is here. Now I can learn the real names of all those 1Ls I've been seeing around the place, like...

-Punk Rawk Cheerleader
-Prom Queen and her Velociraptor Friend
-Bro
-Teen Mom
-Short-Haired Hottie
-Somewhat-Longer-Haired Hottie
-Gay Sting
-Front-Butt Guy

Could be worse. Could be Pyongyang.

Suppose you're a city that sucks, and you're trying to attract a new, non-sucky populace. How do you do it? Well, if you're Louisville, you run a smear campaign against other cities. Interesting, I guess. Let's see what other wretched hives of scum and villainy have to say about themselves.

Camden, New Jersey claims to be ...a city rich in history, and diversity. A City that is on the move to provide a better place to live, work, support families, and raise children. A City that offers riverfront development, growth in educational facilities, entertainment, higher education, transportation, health care, sports facilities, economic development, and cultural enrichment. A City that is rich in spiritual values and offers a large variety of churches and worship services... A City that provides an unparalleled opportunity to be a victim of crime at six times the national average.

Opa-Locka, Florida, where 35% of the population is below the poverty line and only half the people have high school diplomas, offers very little on its web site except for pictures of its rather stout mayor, and announcements about the new branch library (which offers "home deliveries Netflex style").

Youngstown is a diverse community with beautiful parks and historical landmarks. It's also been known as "Crimetown, U.S.A." since the 1960s.

I'll give El Centro, California some credit: its web site does mention that the city's unemployment rate is over 20%.

When I think of tourism, I think of Gary, Indiana. At the Crossroads of America, Gary provides the perfect location for a weekend getaway, a family vacation, a business trip, or a night on the town. Relax on the beach or rent a jet ski! ...Next time you are in town, stop in and have a good time. There's lots to do, and plenty of time to do it! Such as, say, exploring the completely abandoned and crime-ridden downtown?

Compton notes that it has plenty of affordable housing. Wonder why?

East St. Louis City Hall (freshly repurchased from a prison inmate who won it in a lawsuit) announces Our city offers superb community services, such as parks, schools, and libraries to name just a few. I'd rather get those services somewhere else, if possible.

It's almost like they didn't pay attention in sex ed

Let's count the number of different spellings of "pregnant" at India Parenting!

"my girlfriend and i just had sex for the first time today she i worse a condom extra safe but she is scared and so am i if she gets pregnant wot are the chances of that happning"
"Me and my ex had unprotected sex a lot and I'm a A student and sports star and I'm 14 and I have had my period but wondering can I come on and still be pergnat?"
"i had sex with my boyfriend and he used a condom but he took it off and we stared to kiss and i felt some of his nut leacking down my vigina area can i be preganet?"
"i had swolled some cum and i was woundering if i could be pergnat cuz i havent had my period for like 2 months and i dont know what to do?and can u get pergant off ur own nut" (Note: I have no idea what that second question means.)
"I had a sex with my girl friend when she is in a period, but i m wondering that does she can become pragnent?"
"I have taken pregnancy tests and all of them have come back negative, am I pregnate?"
"i was wondering if me and my boyfriend had sex 3 days before my period can i get pregrant?"
"me and my boy friend had sex today and was on my period my boyfriend said i wont get pregetnet because the egg is dead is that true im i pregetnet or not"
"my husband i i are tryin to have a baby so 2 weeks after my period we started having unprotected sex a week later my brest are swollen i i fell sick in the morining i red that you can have symp as early as a week after could i be pregnanty"

I will probably never have another chance to gloat on this blog

"So, how did the Powder Puff team do?" you ask.

Funny you should say that, because we went undefeated, we were never scored upon, and we demoralized our opponents so badly that one team quit rather than play us. It's been a while since sports have given me anything other than pain, so I'm going to relish the glow of the Golden Barbie.

Are you a normal?

In order to fire up my Powder Puff football team, I showed them a little motivational speaking from the Ultimate Warrior.



I was curious to see if the Warrior's... unique... rhetorical stylings could be replicated by a computer, so I fed some old Warrior promos into the Electric Poet.

Here's the result.


But if those who walk or anything. Only a thunder the Warriors all know, the destiny of the warriors! Full of the power of the Warriors past, the wall from our great forefathers from parts unknown. You realise, as another challenge, only breathes the people do. Hulk Hogan, Ultimate Warrior and let it only as we, Hulk Hogan, not for the Warriors, the strength of the way of life that the Hulkamaniacs, the pores of a different structure. Not to Africa and dirty and you don't deserve to walk with a different forcefield around you, Hulk Hogan in the Still walking unaffected by Papa Shango. Now we walk or do you, can feel it. Warriors, floating through the ground will realize then that flows in their body is nothing of Mercury. Something's gonna be no longer want to take the streets every day of Mars. The blood of you, Hulk Hogan, the skies are close to swell. And when you fall like a ticket to Africa and that you and Hulkamaniacs together. Hulk Hogan, when we walk with Gods from our great forefathers from beyond, there is nothing of intensity and keep coming. Not to give. Not to give. Not even a virus through the power of the skies are nothing of Jupiter. The challenge to is about the world does not to places you The Ultimate Warrior. I can live in the power of the Ultimate Warrior. I to take what he feels is not for the skeletons of Jupiter. The cosmic powers of is of the eighth wonder of a natural disaster can smell it. Warriors, I promise.
If they seem. But no harm, but what we meet, Hulk Hogan, I bring the power of voodoo, put upon us can live in their body is no place to be no harm, but just beginning to live forever? For Hulk Hogan, when we walk with Gods from the power of you, walk and you have had to walk or without the money in the Warrior and Hulkamaniacs together. Hulk Hogan, for one another day of the spaceship with the Ultimate Challenge. I will fall like the cost of the writing on the power of the skies are ones that I breathe, that of the darkness I am the Warriors, I look above to live forever. But the veins, and I have had to live forever. But if those twenty ninth man, you have always prevail.
Load the twenty eight of accepting any and Hulkamaniacs together. Hulk Hogan, Ultimate Warrior!
How must ask you ever could. I prepare, you want to prove to one another can't buy what we walk or buy what you Jimmy Hart, not that smells of c-notes!
I, Sergeant Slaughter, was born from here, and Hulkamaniacs and the destiny of those twenty eight normal men want your beliefs that the spaceship as they spoke to the most awesome force in the way of intensity and venture into the world does not Earthquake insurance. I can smell it. Warriors, I speak of combat. Twenty eight normal men that are of the power of Saturn. The challenge of my Warriors. Tonight, there is why the Warriors have special attractions such as far from our great forefathers from parts unknown. You realise, as far as you Hulk Hogan, I as I look above to breathe the fate of the blood in the Ultimate Warrior is much more than just an unknown frequency. The family that darkness you fear. I look above to where I've been.

Hooters fears controversy

I was watching "House" last night, as I am accustomed to do, and I saw a commercial touting Hooters as the ideal restaurant at which to watch football. The commercial began with three men watching football at someone's house - a white guy on the left, a black guy in the middle, and another white guy on the right.

Suddenly, three female Hooters employees arrived to make their sales pitch. A white woman on the left, a black woman in the middle, and a white woman on the right.

Anyone who pays even the slightest bit of attention to television commercials knows that even a hint of interracial romance is verboten on Madison Avenue, but this struck me as going way too far. Did the ad executives think that if the women stood in a different order, it would imply that they were romantically and/or sexually attracted to men of a different race?

More importantly, are ad agencies so out-of-touch that they think Birmingham would go up in riots if they took a second out of their commercials to show the world that yes, interracial couples exist in real life, and it's no big deal? And suppose someone is offended by "miscegenating race-traitors" in their commercials. Is that the kind of person they're really trying to attract to their product? Will Hooters patrons show up with dogs and fire hoses to keep the colored waitresses away?

On a less idiotic note, I'm cheering for Dr. House to hire Dr. Mean Bitch, Dr. Kumar, and Dr. Superjew, and Dr. Mean Bitch - Anne Dudek - will be forgiven for her role in "White Chicks" as I appoint her my new TV Girlfriend.

!

A bunch of nobodies recently called up from Triple-A just launched a thirteenth-inning rally against baseball's all-time leading saves leader and capped it with a play at the plate - in which the runner never actually touched the plate, but was counted safe anyway.

Now I can't decide whether to jump on the Rockies' improbable bandwagon, or pull for the Phillies. (It would be fine symmetry for them to get their second World Series win in the same season as they became the first sports franchise to get their 10,000th loss.)

No, I won't be cheering for the Cubs. A Cubs World Series win would upset the natural order of things. If the deck of Fate is stacked against them, I can continue to believe that the deck of Fate is stacked against me, too. I'd lose my excuse.