Saturday, May 10, 2008

My Law School Outline For Law School

I graduate today: feel free to use this outline to help you in your studies.

  1. The Law

    1. People choose their lawyers because of perceived affinities - clients want lawyers who resemble them

      1. Corollary: Asshole lawyers only get assholes for clients, and while assholes deserve representation, it makes everyone's life a little less pleasant

    2. Every jury pool will contain some intelligent, free-thinking people who will question your argument. This is why you have peremptory challenges

    3. Appellate judges have probably already decided your case by the time you get an oral argument. The oral argument is just there to give you a sense that someone listened to you

    4. Test for determining if you should loan a significant amount of money to someone - Does your business card contain the phrase "Member FDIC?"

    5. Laws don't solve problems, they just trade old problems for new problems

    6. Some lawyers submit motions and briefs to the court that I wouldn't have submitted to Ms. Schwagler, my 12th grade Government teacher

    7. The most entertaining law site on the Internet is Sui Juris, where conspirazoid whackjobs try to concoct magic scrolls such as Repel Taxman and Enchant Speeding Ticket

    8. Many of the assumptions on which our legal system are grounded, such as the common experience of the jury and the reliability of eyewitness testimony, are completely flawed, but nobody can think of a better way

    9. Your city probably has a lot of bizarre ordinances on the books that seem completely absurd, but just because they're dumb doesn't mean they can't pass them

    10. If you fight authority, authority will always win

      1. Exception: There is a well-recognized exception for people who play football for Rick Neuheisel

  2. Society

    1. Four percent of life is good. It's easy to find friends who will help you enjoy it. Four percent of life is miserable. It's a little more difficult to find friends who will help you through it. But ninety-two percent of life is just drudgery - washing dishes, standing in line, loafing on the couch after work. The best friends are the ones who will make that drudgery more interesting

    2. A friend of everyone is a friend of no one

    3. If you can't think of anything to do for the vocal track of your metal song, just leave it out - growling won't make it better and it won't make you scarier

    4. Rage Against The Machine hate many things. Among them are the tendons in my left hand

    5. Never put your faith in anyone you don't know personally

    6. "Battlestar Galactica" could really use some comic relief

    7. Nobody is entirely sure what it means to be a libertarian

    8. If the one-sentence episode description of an episode of "Star Trek: Voyager" contains the phrase "The Doctor," you should watch the episode. If not, you shouldn't

    9. Comedy arises from insecurity, but becoming a comedian requires a lot of self-confidence. This is why so few comedians are funny

    10. Men in the front row of strip clubs usually have the same expressions on their faces as high-stakes poker players

      1. Compare: Never make eye contact with a stripper

  3. Myself

    1. I cannot reinvent myself as successfully as Madonna can

      1. But: Madonna pisses away hundreds of dollars on magic string from that Kaballah guy, so we're even

    2. The more rapidly you hit your snare drum, the less likely I am to like your band

    3. I am now better at recognizing regional accents, as well as recognizing smoker's voice (I'm looking at you, Nana Visitor)

      1. Corollary: I am developing a regional accent myself which makes me sound like I'm from Chicago. I hate it

    4. Women will only flirt with me when I'm dressed in drag, which is very disappointing

    5. Sometimes an unrequited crush can work out okay

    6. I'll never really be "part of the gang" because there are usually only one or two interesting people in each "gang" and I hate putting up with the rest of them

    7. I am very popular with women over 35

    8. I want to be a different person, but I don't know how I should change myself

    9. There is at least one member of my high school class who has aged worse than I have

    10. Someday all that will be left of me is memories. I hope they're good ones

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