Friday, March 16, 2007

Hollow assurances

I realize that I am probably stepping on Lindsey's toes by doing this but I'm going through a bit of single angst at the moment, and I'd like to express my dissatisfaction with a sentence I hear frequently from well-meaning friends.

"You'll find the right girl eventually."

There are two major flaws with this statement.

1. The phrasing of this statement implies a belief in Destiny: that the universe runs like divine clockwork and that there is no element of chance. If you believe this, then go back to Communist Russia or Calvinist Switzerland, you damned pinko or heretic! My experiences listening to prog-rock have convinced me that I have free will, for good or for bad. I am no more destined to be happily married than I am destined to taste of the Salmon of Knowledge and liberate the people of Eire from the tyrant Balog.

2. The phrasing of this statement implies a belief that there is one and only one Miss Right. Again, a product of magical thinking. The correct number of women who are potential Misses Right can be determined using this simple formula:

W = S x F x C1 x C2 x G x T x E1 x E2

S = single women I meet within the correct age range to be potential dates
F = percent chance that we will become friends
C1 = percent of women that I will find sufficiently attractive to date
C2 = percent of women who find me sufficiently attractice to date
G = percent chance that one of us will have the gumption to ask the other to date
T = percent chance that said proposal to date will occur at a time when we are both emotionally ready to date each other
E1 = percent chance that I will not commit errors that will ruin the relationship
E2 = percent chance that she will not commit errors that will ruin the relationship

Based on experience I believe that C2, G, T, and E1 are lower for me than for many other men. W may still wind up being greater than 1, but I can't be certain.

So what should you say to reassure me when I am bemoaning my outcast state? Try something like "I have confidence in your ability to attract and keep a good woman." Or, even better, "I have a friend who would like to date you, and her name is (insert name here)."

1 comment:

Mark said...

I think there is a flaw in your math somewhere.

I would think the equation would include elements like.

Total number of women in the world.
Percent of women who are geographically convenient.
Percent who are of the right age.
Percent of women who are currently taken. Percent who will become available thru divorce or separation...

I think you're leaving out several factors.